if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
