She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
