please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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