my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
they call him Oral-B. enough said
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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