My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
