guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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