She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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