If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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