all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
