just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
