I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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