I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
