I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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