I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't deserve a penis
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I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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