like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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