Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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