Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
