Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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