she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
