I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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