Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
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Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
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I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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