Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
