I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
