I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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