the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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