Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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