i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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