Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
