I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
