Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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