So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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