I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
