Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
