Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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