I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
