shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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