i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
