1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just cropdusted the office
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
