I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
