I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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