ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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