If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
