i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I need to sanitize my soul.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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