I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
