Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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