God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
