i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
