I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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