Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
