On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dignity is for republicans.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
