...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
