Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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