Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
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broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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