im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
