Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
