I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
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I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
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casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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