Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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