After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
