Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Actions speak louder than pants.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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